Probation
by Championship Vinyl
Summary: A couple of wiseguys compare notes on life, love, and Rule Number Twelve, conveniently located in an NYPD patrol car. ONESHOT, CRACK, written purely out of boredom and on a fangirlish whim. This is what "freewriting" results in, kids. ;D


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**Okay, so this is a oneshot, and it's complete and total crack. I adore NCIS (not Los Angeles, just original) and especially DiNozzo, so I wanted to write him a scene with my favorite Castle detective, Javier Esposito. But I couldn't be bothered to come up with an entire plot. Even most of the facts in here are just guesses or are pulled out of thin air. This is just a small snapshot into their temporary partnerhood: NCIS assists the team on a Marine's murder in New York, and Gibbs and Beckett, respectively, assign their men to a stakeout. ^^ Boom, simple enough.**

**Needless to say, this has nothing to do with anything else I've written. Like, ever. **_**Also**_** needless to say, I don't own Castle or NCIS. I'm just taking Tony out for a test-drive, and we all know I'm familiar with Javi. ;)**

**Proceed and enjoy. **

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Near an alley on Jefferson past 18th was a supposed hotspot for the local drug-and-murder cartel. The operation, supposedly, was out of an abandoned warehouse. Outside of this warehouse sat a car, and inside this car sat two highly-trained wielders of the law, wondering how the hell they'd been rooked into this. These brave citizens were NYPD Homicide Detective Javier Esposito and Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo of NCIS, and they both had a silent, sneaking suspicion that somewhere, Agent Gibbs and Detective Beckett were laughing.

Rare though that was.

"Should be aaaaany minute now." DiNozzo had his binoculars up and was peering for the hundredth time across the alley.

Esposito crumpled up his Five Guys wrapper, hoop-shooting it into the empty paper bag at Tony's feet. "That's what you said five minutes ago. And an hour before that. And _two_ hours before _that_."

"Well, at least they're getting more frequent. Trust me, DiNozzos are never wrong."

"Are they ever on _time_?"

Tony's brow rumpled while he pondered all the possible interpretations of that, even as he continued to stare out the windshield. "Well. They're never _early_, if that's what you mean."

_Dios me ayuda_. Javier wasn't sure quite how _his_ team had been the one to end up with the NCIS liaisons out of everyone in the entire precinct. Just their luck, he guessed. Good: one more thing to blame Ryan for. That'd make the damn stakeout go by faster. "Whatever," he replied; it was easier to let go of the subject and grab the last bag of food from the backseat instead, rummaging through it. "You want the last turnover?"

_Now_ the binoculars went down. Tony's eyes widened. "There's only one turnover?"

"Where have you been the past hour?"

"Staking-out. Staking-out requires as many turnovers as possible."

"That another Gibbs rule?" Esposito asked tiredly.

"Nope, that one's just a 'me' thing. Keeps ya kickin'."

Exhaling his entire lung capacity, Javier took it from the bag and smacked the thing into DiNozzo's hand. "There. Take it."

"Thanks," replied Tony, a little too brightly if you asked Esposito. Intentional; he'd bet eight million dollars. The agent unwrapped his snack with fervor and took a whopping bite, then attempted to converse with his mouth full of pastry. "Y'know you're a pretty swell guy, Javier, anybody ever tell you that? You could go places."

"I've _been_. Places. But thanks."

"I really mean it; it's a wide-open world out there for a rookie."

_Say what?_

"The corporate ladder's not just a saying these days," continued Tony. "There's all kinds of positions open in this day and age for a - "

"Already-employed NYPD Homicide detective? Former Organized Crime cop? Two-tour Spec Ops veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan?"

DiNozzo blinked at him in egg-faced realization, trying to come up with a save. "…Well. More or less. Congrats on that by the way…"

"Mm-hm."

"The whole 'buzz cut' thing usually tips me off, I was just, ah, trying not to be _presumptuous_. You know."

"Good job."

"I try."

They spent a moment in unplanned silence while DiNozzo sucked awkwardly at his cup of Sprite, bringing loud bubbles of air through the straw. Javier usually considered himself to be an easygoing person, but, with DiNozzo around? He certainly didn't _hate_ the guy or anything, but now, at least, he definitely understood how Beckett had first felt about Castle, only with the sexual tension of a decomposing mollusk. Maybe it was just Javier's general aversion to cooperating with the Feds, or it could've been that DiNozzo was a big 'talker'…

So it was only fair to turn the tables, right? At least it'd be a way to pass the time. Esposito grinned. Wickedly.

"So. How is she? Ziva I mean." He shrugged, suggesting exactly what you'd _think_ he'd be suggesting. "Y'know."

Tony choked on his soda a little; Esposito tried not to snicker as he sputtered.

Yep. Worth it.

After an undignified few moments, the agent composed himself back to a casual state of formality. "Oh. Well. Special Agent David and I haven't actually…y'know."

"But you will," Esposito read.

DiNozzo gave a nervous laugh. "Ahhh, now you're twisting my words. You're good, Detective. Almost had me for a second there."

"C'mon bro, you know you're hot for her. What guy _wouldn't_?"

"Oh, and _you_?"

"Well, not _me_, I mean I - "

"Ohhh, _that's_ right," Tony smirked, looking smug again. "You just have a thing for the medical examiner."

_Evade. Evade. Evade._ With a shrug, Javier did so fairly smoothly, if he did say so himself. "I don't swing that way, bro. And, even if I did, no offense to the guy or anything, but Dr. Mallard just wouldn't be my type."

That earned a big, theatrical eyeroll from the Special Agent. "First of all, I'd call him Ducky if I were you or he might just think you're being rude - second, I believe I was referring to _your_ medical examiner. Dr. Parish."

"That is…I don't…I don't know what you're talkin' about," Javier scoffed.

"All small, dark and gorgeous…"

"Wouldn't ring a bell."

"Curvy…sexy…ooh, _feisty_…"

"Keep goin' and I'll rip your legs off and beat you with 'em."

"Ha!" DiNozzo cackled in triumph. "I knew it; so you _are_ sleeping together! Who's breaking Rule Number Twelve _now_? A-ha, haaa."

"Rule _what_?"

"Nevermind."

"And so what? What if I'm sleepin' with 'er, maybe I am - what's it to _you_? What do you care?"

"Because _that_, my friend, is the pot confessing that it just called the kettle black, only in this case the kettle wasn't even black. It was…like chrome."

"Why do you get to be chrome?"

"Don't change the subject." DiNozzo actually went so far as to pivot in his seat to better face Esposito, who somehow wasn't finding the agent's '_intriguing interview_' face so amusing. "So, are you…_just_, sleeping together? Late nights, 'love thy neighbor,' that kind of thing? Or is it more serious: 'I'll make the house payments if you pick out the puppy we're adopting together?' Just tryin' to get a feel for the situation."

Esposito held up a finger to stop him - not necessarily the one he would've _chosen_, but whatever. "First of all, any day I go fifty-fifty on a _puppy_ is a cold day in hell."

"I see. You just want the puppy all to yourself. Commitment issues."

"No puppy at all. And no."

"Kitten then."

"No kitten."

"Goldfish?"

"Stop talking, DiNozzo."

"Sorry."

"And _second_ of all, what makes my private life _absolutely any_ of your business?"

"You asked about me and Ziva," Tony fairly pointed out.

"Yeah, but you said there was nothin' to tell."

"Exactly, and there isn't, _but_ if there _were_, you would've expected me to give the dirt, right? Now with you and Dr. _Parish_, there is apparently _plenty_ to tell. So, since we're here anyway for the indeterminable time being, why don't you share with the class, Javier? _You gotta be a straight shooter, do you read me_?"

Javier stared at that last gravelly part.

DiNozzo stared back. "…Nicholson."

"Ah."

"Okay fine, needs work, I get it. But c'mon. Share."

Esposito responded to DiNozzo's mock-enrapt look with a dry one of his own. "You really wanna die young, don'tcha."

"Only the good do."

"Since when did you and me on assignment turn into a couple of fourteen-year-old girls at a slumber party?"

"Since boss said we couldn't run the car stereo."

"Yeah, well, I don't answer to Gibbs."

"_Everyone_, answers to Gibbs," corrected Tony. "They just don't know it yet."

"Uh-huh. I'll keep that in mind."

"Hey, tiger, if you want to _test_ that theory, please, go right ahead, be my guest. Just know you're takin' your life in your own hands… Oh, and, I'd be sure and double check you've got a next-of-kin on file."

"Please. I am not afraid of Special Agent Gibbs or of whatever you say he's capable of. I could handle it."

"Ooh - see, that's your first mistake. You're in what I like to call a 'denial pattern;' that's stage one. You'll get to fear eventually."

"What, are you tellin' me _you're_ afraid of Gibbs?" Esposito laughed. The image was just too good.

"N…no," decided Tony, puffing up a bit for effect as he dismissed the thought with a "DiNozzos do not fear, either. They don't even fear fear. But we _do_ change back an efficiently-changed subject - now tell me, Detective 'Sito, what is your relationship _exactly_ with the lovely Dr. Parish?"

_Damn._ It was dismaying to realize that punching a Fed on the job was probably frowned upon. He was just gonna have to play ball, here. Esposito ground his jaw a bit, then let out a slow exhale to calm himself. "Fine."

"Go on."

"Dr. Parish and I _have_ - as a matter of fact, so wipe the smirk off your face - spent the night together; it wasn't a one-time thing, it's been about five months now - "

"Jeez…"

" - _but_ it's more complicated than just that."

"Feelings?" DiNozzo guessed, wincing.

"_Yes_," was Esposito's reply, a little more defensive than necessary.

The agent sounded bizarrely sympathetic. "Ooh. Love, you think?"

"What's it to you? Maybe."

"Ahhh, so even _you_ haven't figured it out yet."

"Figured out _what_?"

"The whole - " here Tony employed air-quotes " - _where are we_ discussion."

"I know exactly where me and Lanie are, thank you," Esposito assured. "We are friends…who happen to work together, and who…enjoy each other's company. I like bein' with her, she likes bein' with me. Neither of us sees the need to be dating other people. _That's_ where we are." He folded his arms and sat back against the seat in triumph.

"Ohhh, so you're _dating_ her," DiNozzo said in fascination.

Javier blinked. "Isn't that what I said in the first place?"

"You said you were sleeping with 'er… Oh, _wait_! So those are like, the same thing for you? Wow." He gave a little chuckle as if that was the cutest, or most primitive thing he'd ever heard.

"I take it you're not the type'a guy who sticks around for a whole lotta _mornings_, are you."

"Not so much, no," Tony grinned. "Ah, good times."

Esposito shook his head. "Man, and you thought _I_ had commitment issues."

"Oh, and I suppose you've always been the perfect gentleman who shows up at the girl's house with a bouquet of roses and serenades her with Kenny G. Maybe spring for pancakes at HoJo."

"_No_, _but_, the difference is _I outgrew_ my shimmy-out-the-window phase."

"Shimmy? You shimmied?"

"Maybe I just respect women more than you do," Javier shrugged casually. Not that he was unaware of the helluva particle-bomb he'd just dropped: he wasn't. It was kinda fun.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up there compadre." DiNozzo held up both palms and managed a half-laugh, half-scowl thing. Esposito re-crossed his arms and waited amusedly for the rant. "I respect women, okay? Oh, do I ever - I think Ziva and Abby combined would find about seventy new and varying ways to kill me if I didn't have the utmost respect for the fairer sex." He straightened his tie, almost like a point of dignity. "That's why the chase. They're fascinating. Formidable. Mysterious." Then his grin got sly. "Like that not-technically-boss of yours. Detective Beckett."

Javier felt his pupils dilate. He turned a vicious glare on DiNozzo. "Oh, no. Don't even dare. That one's NG, pal."

Tony laughed. "What, buddy? Why, you just got a nice little monopoly on _all_ the ladies, don'tcha?"

"It's not that way with Beckett."

"Ah, your typical 'self-adopted big-brother' syndrome, I gotcha."

"I'm tellin' you man. You get involved in that, there ain't anybody from here to D.C. that can save you."

"Was that an insult to _me_ or _her_?"

"Neither. It was a warning. Beckett doesn't play, and she doesn't _get_ played, either. Either she eats you alive, or you piss 'er off and she kills you. And yes, I would have to help."

"Ouch. None taken." DiNozzo blinked a few times, mulling. "Wait - weren't both those scenarios basically the same thing?"

"Nuh-uh. First one means she isn't even interested and the second one means she goes out with you and you climb out that window."

Tony went for his 'charming' smile. "Now who says I'd do that?"

Esposito's flat stare placed some pretty clear blame. Tony cleared his throat.

"Right. Yeah, maybe it's better to extend Rule Number Twelve to assist-teams as well."

"Okay, I need to ask. What in the hell is Rule Number Twelve?"

"Never date a co-worker," DiNozzo announced.

Javier actually laughed at that one. "Man, whatever you say Gibbs is or isn't, he's definitely cracked on that one. You all are missin' out. Damn, no wonder."

"I'm sorry, doesn't the NYPD have all kinds of ironclad, intra-office anti-fraternization policies anyway?"

"Yeah, but that's only for within your own _department_. I'm free to see Lanie all I want 'cause she works downtown. Hell, if I was a douche I could even start somethin' up on the side with one of the girls in Sex Crimes if I wanted."

Tony raised his eyebrows. "Ironic."

"It's a - what'd you call it? It's a '_wide-open world_' out there, bro," Esposito grinned. He clapped DiNozzo's shoulder, thoroughly enjoying the role-reversal. "You might wanna re-think just how closely you listen to that Rule Number Twelve."

DiNozzo spent a few moments looking like he was actually thinking about it. In the meantime, Esposito lifted the binoculars from him. The agent nearly gave himself whiplash.

"Hey! NCIS property - "

"Pipe down, Nancy." Javier looked through them at the alley across the street, his brow creasing. "Looks like our boy's on the move."

DiNozzo squinted to see. "Think we should radio Beckibbs?"

"…Did you just-?"

"Name-blend them? Yes, yes I did, and I think if we don't give a call in that they're both likely to have our hides mounted beside their desks like Cherokee."

"No time." Without warning, Esposito threw the car into gear, lurching DiNozzo and revving on the high-beams. He turned the wheel onto the road and thunked over the curb in pursuit.

"Jeez! I hate to ask, but, you _always_ drive like this?"

With Tony clutching at his seatbelt, Esposito expertly skirted a parked Chevy and turned left on a dime. "This's nothin'. I'm the driver to trust; you oughta see Ryan."

"Yeah, I think I'll hurry up and find out!" As an afterthought, Tony added, "As least you're better than Ziva. Or Gibbs. We would've been dead already." He seemed to shudder at the thought.

"Good, 'cause we're 'bout to run about four red lights. Hit the gumball."

"The what? I don't speak Homicide much these days."

"The lights, the siren, hit it! Go!"

"Where's the friggin' button?"

"Dammit, DiNozzo!"

"Jeez; this's why I quit bein' a cop."

The Crown Vic tore strobe-lessly down the road for another half-dozen blocks, but hey; at least nobody could say it was running silent.

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**XD So there you have it. I always thought that Tony and Javi would be pals (if **_**reluctant**_** ones, at first.) ;D That's it. Dat be all she wrote. I have zero intentions of continuing this; just did it for fun. Absolute crack moment of weakness. And it was. ^^**

**Like I say on every new story, anyone who's interested in joining in on a free, Castle writing RPG can go to my profile and read the bold paragraph. And if you enjoyed this cracky little moment of Castle/NCIS-ness, please, be so kind as to drop a quick review. Those are always the highlight of my day. ^^**

**Thanks for reading. Peace and love. **

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